i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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