Yo dont text me then not text me
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
