My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
either way he was missing a nipple.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
