My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
either way he was missing a nipple.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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