My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
