Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
