sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
