I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
