We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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