I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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