ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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