Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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