Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
