I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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