I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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