My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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