Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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