why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
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