The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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