I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
