Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
