There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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