I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You have to summon your inner elephant
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
