Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
