advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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