My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
