my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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