I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
