an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
