He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
