6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
