turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
