In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
