How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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