Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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