Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
