So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the condom got lost in my hair
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Threesome in a minivan. New low
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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