I hope my margaritas pass through security.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
