just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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