I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
