We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
