Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
