Whatcha textin bout Willis?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
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Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
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This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once