i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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