I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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