I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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