he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
