I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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