my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
