Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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