Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Someone signed my nipple.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
