Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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