Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
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