Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I can't put those talents on a resume
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
