mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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