I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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