Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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