ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
