There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
