Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
