Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
