Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
